Why does transformation have to be so painful. Why does it feel like a never ending process. Why can’t we just update all the outdated information and beliefs with new ones without the suffering.
You grow accustom to your baggage. It slowly fills up through the years. It starts with just one thing. Then another. Suddenly you’re walking around for years and years never knowing you were walking around with a backpack, that heavy, to begin with. Why is the letting go part so tricky. Why do we hold on so dearly and fear the unknown so deeply.
Right at this moment I’m going trough a transformation, a huge energetic shift. I’m halfway. I can feel it. My old patterns and ways are pulling me towards a behaviour based on fear, which does not serve me anymore. Meanwhile, my new understanding of who I am and what I’m a part of are pointing to a path of less resistance. It’s a path of love, with trust and surrender as my companions.
I feel stretched. The attachments are painful. Shame is painful. My inner critic is mean. That’s what I suffer. The transformation is just a process, the suffering is a choice. Cocky to say that, I know. Even though I want this transformation the pain is inevitable but at the same time, the suffering is a choice.
In the end all my different ways, however I go about it, leads to the same thing. I want to be accepted and loved. I want to accept and love myself, as I am. With the whole range of darkness and light within me. I don’t want to improve. I want to love. Love. Love. Love. Me. So I can love you.
This time around I want to leave room for change. Even with the new understandings coming my way. I don’t want to carve anything out in stone anymore. Letting it go can be painful and scratching it out takes time. So from now on, I want to be open for life to flow in all different directions. I allow it all.
I choose love. I choose trust. I surrender.
Whatever comes; let it.
Whatever goes; let it.