Have you ever noticed that feeling arising in your body that you want to avoid at any cost. You know that funny feeling that makes you almost go nuts trying to avoid? I’ve been sitting with that feeling for a few days now, watching it. Trying to put my finger on what it is, where it's located, what it’s attached to and why I’m getting warning signs to run as fast as I can.
Looking back at previous events I would go to extreme extent to avoid this feeling in my body. One of them being to knock out my senses or enhance a few and be totally consumed by that sensation instead. Another way was shifting focus by creating drama or other intense encounters that could occupy my mind and energy. So, what is this feeling that creates such big emotional discomfort. It is a feeling of abandonment. Pure panic. The feeling of being left behind, not being good enough. It’s the feeling of drowning and the other person is the only one that is actually close enough to save you, cause you are paralysed, but looks straight through you. It is that feeling of suffocating in your own ocean of bloody emotions while the other person is an empty shell, untouched by you, floating, protecting and defending their shallowness.
Although you come in love and peace, this feeling creates an invisible war inside waiting to slay and hurt out of fear. This time I sat with this feeling, without hiding. I was one with it, watched it come and go. I kept referring to it as a funny feeling, not knowing how else to describe it. I became friends with it, sat crossed legged and listened to its concerns. I gave it all my compassion and love for the various levels of fear it came with. I tended to it with all my heart. As I did that I could see my pattern so clear. It hit me like lightening. Choosing to wait and feel it out I could watch all stages of this feeling and towards what it was pulling me. They say opposites attract but not without leaving such a mess behind. This time it’s not. This time I can see it so clear and choose something else. Although this feeling is anything else than comfortable, watching it, it is actually transforming.
Now I wouldn’t refer to it as a funny feeling. I would say it is asking for me to acknowledge, be present and choose to see what is. It is the feeling that wants your attention so bad because you’re neglecting that very part of you that needs your love. Are you noticing that little child in you that desperately wants your attention? Starving her will make you go to war against yourself. Love her and sit with her, listen and give her attention when she’s asking for it. She has some tales for you. Some of them are nightmares, scary and some are lovely dreams and beautiful wishes. They all show you her true essence, your core being, take your time with her and listen. Hold her hand and reassure you notice her. Always.
I feel so fortunate to be able to see so clearly, the timing is perfectly Divine and everything comes at the exact right moment I'm ready for it. This was one of my big karmic patters that had to dissolve for me to not keep attracting more of the same thing. It keeps coming back until you notice it and do the work. It inflicts pain until you surrender and open your heart to receive the wisdom. It liberates you from the bonds of that pattern and you will feel the freedom in every cell of your body. This feeling is now connected to something else, it is forever the symbol of my liberation.