I picked up the story of my chilhood yesterday. I hadn’t touched it for a while. But I dived right in. With the moon in Cancer and my natal moon, mercury and mars in Cancer it amplified my senses. I remembered details, my family and all the emotions so clear. I could feel it all. The injustice, the neglect, the pain, the fear, the sadness. I could see where it all came from, the seeds planted. I cried all the tears I’ve been holding back for years. I cried for all the times I wasn’t allowed to.
Having a child with a moon in Cancer, crying is a way for them to cleanse. Its a way for them to express their feelings. Every tear drop represents a feeling words cannot explain. It’s a way of releasing everything they’ve been carrying inside. It’s a way of letting go, not only of their feelings but also of the pain of people around them that they’ve picked up. Not allowing a child to cry it out is like cutting off the most natural bodily function we have. It cripples them.
In my family crying was a sign of weakness. I could barely talk about anything close to my heart without tearing up. That’s how I knew that the things I said came from the heart and was touched by truth. But I wasn’t allowed to cry and try to speak because it didn’t make any sense, my dad used to say. I always had two choices - either go to my room and close the door, cry it out and when I was done I could come out and talk. Or I could stop crying and say what I wanted to say, loud and clear.
After a few tries to get my words out I usually ended up in my room, not saying what my heart desired to voice. I was always alone in my sadness and I was taught that you should’t share that kind of raw emotions with others. If you feel it bubble up, separate yourself. You should sit with it alone. Always alone. So I started to bottle it up to be able to “function” the way my dad wanted me to. He called our family a mini society and I did not want to be excluded at any cost. And so my transformation begun.
Not releasing emotions makes you store them and your body pays the price. It is an indicator of how you feel and behave towards yourself. My body was broken and I was an angry young adult with a mission to catch the people treating others unjustly and give back the voices that’s been taken away. My bottled up energy was directed toward bullies, people forcing others and anyone really who put any pressure on another to do, or say, or even be anything other than what they were.
I recognised their pain. I could see them feeling small, I could see the inability to form a sentence. I stood up for those people, I spoke the words I couldn’t utter for myself. I claimed back their hearts, their voices the their freedom to be exactly who they are. The gratitude and love I got from doing that gave me a sense of doing something good and saving something sacred. I saved everyone that needed help to stand up, except myself. It wasn’t until many years later I claimed back my own space and allowed myself to show up raw, undone and perfectly imperfect.
Yesterday I let my inner child express herself in any way she wanted to. I let her cry, I let her be sad and point out the injustice. I let her stomp her feet, scream and shout and show me her broken heart for caging her in. Yesterday I comforted her, I held her and told her I’m not leaving. I listened to her and loved her. I felt so much compassion for her. I let her act it out, I set her free. I’m writing this with tears rolling down my cheeks. I’m cleansing, I’m allowing, I’m being all of me. Forever bathing in the ocean of emotions, feeling it all. It is where I belong. It is home.
Team up with your inner child. When she comes to you embrace her, give her all your attention, compassion and love. Acknowledge yourself. This is how we heal. We are meant to walk and experience different paths of life. I believe you are given what you can handle. It is all a part of your transformation process. I wouldn’t be sitting here - doing the work I’m doing and listening from a place of understanding, compassion and love if it wasn’t for all of it. For every moment I’ve been given, for all the dark times - I still found the light.
I thank all of it.
Leaving you with two beautiful mantras below, one for healing and the other one for protection. You can just listen to it or chant along with it.
Santam Kaur - Ra Ma Da Sa
In many traditions, healing is said to occur when you raise your vibration into Divine Alignment. According to the Law of Attraction, healing must occur if your vibration matches it. The Siri Gaitri Mantra is a way of raising your vibration to the frequency of Divine Healing.
Mantra for Healing - “Ra Ma Da Sa Sa Say So Hung”
Ra means the sun and connecting with that frequency gives you energy.
Ma means the moon and it aligns you with receptivity.
Da is the the energy of the Earth, grounding you in your roots.
Sa is Infinity and as you chant this, your energy rises upwards and outwards drawing in the healing the the Universe. When you chant Sa a second time, you pull the energy of Infinity into you.
Say is a way of honouring the all-encompassing Thou. It is personal, like a secret name for God.
So is a vibration of merger.
Hung is the Infinite, the vibrating real. It is the essence of creation.
So Hung together means, I am Thou.
Snatam Kaur - Aad Guray Nameh
Nameh Is the Mangala Charn Mantra, and is chanted for protection.
It surrounds the magnetic field with protective light.
“Aad Guray Nameh, Jugaad Guray Nameh, Sat Guray Nameh, Siri Guroo Dayvay
Aad Guray Nameh (I bow to the Primal Source of Creation)
Jugaad Guray Nameh (I bow to Creation woven throughout time)
Sat Guray Nameh (I bow to the True Source of Creation, the true identity of self)
Siri Guru Devay Nameh (I bow to Creation whose Great Glory will always be)
Guru: that which brings us from darkness (Gu) to light (Ru).
I bow to the primal Source of Creation, to the truth that has existed throughout the ages True Wisdom and the Great Divine Wisdom.”