Highly sensitive people can absorb other peoples emotional state or unconscious baggage, pick up energies around them and detect suppressed ones. I know I can. I admit it. I don’t know how I do it - I just know I do and I always have. When I was younger I had trouble determine which emotion was mine and which ones were others. This tangled me up in a lot of confused dialogs with myself. Thus, not being able to fully understand it I couldn’t piece out why I was carrying so many heavy sorrows. I was very young and thought that the sorrows were mine, a burden I was destined to carry throughout life. That’s a way too heavy rucksack for a child to walk around with.
Not only was I able to detect other peoples emotions but I also had a very strong intuition. This meant I could predict what was going to happen or already had. It was mainly bad things. Things that hurt. Death and more sorrow. In my dreams I downloaded upcoming events, horrible ones and I felt powerless and small. This was my curse. It was an endless darkness and I was the only living breathing thing, or so it felt. All alone in this world of shadows.
Someone rang the doorbell. It was my friends coming to ask if I wanted to come out and play. I was already sad, my heart was crushed but I said yes anyway. There was a few of them and we went to the schoolyard which was just a few meters from my place. You could see it from our balcony. We were walking across the yard and I tried to keep up with them. I wanted to be wrong. I didn’t want to believe it. But what's the point, I thought. They are going to do it anyway and so I slowed down and started the count down in my head. Three, two, one - and they started to run as fast as they could, away from me. With a broken heart I turned around and started walking home. Why was I sad when I already knew. Don’t cry, I said to myself. You already knew but you went anyway. Don’t cry.
The phone rang and my father answered the phone. I knew, I already knew. I wish I could explain how it comes to me but I honestly don’t know until I do. My father was upset and his voice got louder and louder. He kept repeating “WHAT, WHAT". I quickly ran up the stairs to go tell my big sister the news. Felt a wave of emotions washing over me but I was calm. It was without struggle, it was peaceful. When I got to her room I look her in the eyes and with ease I told her that our grandfather had passed.
These experiences at a young age hurt. It always hurt. I didn’t want to be this way and felt as if I was the one responsible because I knew. Because I somehow could communicate with it - that message that always came with sorrows. I disowned that part of me and tried my best to block it, look away and bury it. I pretended to not be touched by this curse and for a few years of my life I did not remember. Every time it called my name I silenced it. Every time. I couldn’t remember my dreams anymore. I was free from living a nightmare, or so I thought.
A few years later, my cousin came to me in a dream. We were standing on a green hill with grass as far as our eyes could see. Behind him the lineage of men in the family. His head bowed down looking at the ground beneath his feet. I was so hurt. My heart was broken. I felt powerless and that frustration was directed towards him. Shouting and coming at him with this energy. Condemning him for what he had done, not knowing what that was at the time. I could not express it in words but my tears and the way I showed up was clear. His reaction was no action. He did nothing. He took it, he took it all. Allowing me to fully release whatever I was carrying in any way I wanted. He accepted it all.
When I woke up I was confused about the dream. What did it mean. Why was I so upset and why was the feeling lingering in my body and feel so real. How could I treat him like that when he was passive, just standing there allowing it all to go on. Why did I go on for so long. Not wanting to acknowledge this gift of mine, avoiding it at any cost, I could not piece this out - until the phone rang a few days later. My mom answered. Without hearing the dialog I knew. I just knew. He was gone. He had come to me to say goodbye. My mom rushed out of the house not saying anything to me. Calmly I finished my paper for school and called up my sister and told her the news. “What?! "How do you know, she said.” I didn’t know what to tell her expect, I just know. He had committed suicide. That was the last time I studied in that school.
The dream woke me up, I was in panic! Sweating. Not knowing who it was. He had a helmet on. Who was it?! He was driving a motorcycle, so much traffic. He had someone on his back I think. Why was he going so fast. Watch out!! He didn’t make it… As fast as I could I picked up the phone and started to call every male person in our family. I could sense he was close to family. My dad, brother and uncle were fine. My mom picked up the phone and reassured that everyone she knew were okay so I dropped it, discarded the dream until my mom called me back a few days later. It was my grandmothers friend. He was driving on the streets of Tehran, fast. Tehran is known for their chaotic traffic. He didn’t make it.
When I woke up I had a funny feeling - what if it’s true. I really need to ask her so I picked up the phone and called one of my best friends. She answered and we have a really light and fun way with each other so we talked and laughed a lot before I gently dropped the news. I dreamt about you, I said. She was intrigued. Tell me more, she said. So I started to tell her about the dream. I dreamt that you were pregnant. We had an awkward silence and she said that with her current family situation she couldn’t keep it. She already has four girls. She was pregnant but she had to terminate the pregnancy. She also told me that she hadn’t told anyone. I reassured her that the secret was safe with me. I also let her know that it was a boy.
When I went traveling the world I met a guy. His loving way had me mesmerised. We grew close pretty quickly. We traveled together for a while. The time came, we separated and I went on with my travels and so did he, still very connected. I was going out one night with a friend I just met in a hostel. I was on the streets of Bangkok when I couldn’t escape the feeling anymore. Everything frightened me. The cars, people on the streets, even her just touching me or talking to me. I jumped with every sound and everything. I turned around to my new acquaint and told her; I do not know why I am so afraid, I can’t explain it but it’s linked to him, I said. She told me to not worry and I numbed the senses with whatever I could find on the streets of Bangkok.
The next day when I got in touch with him he told me. He had cut his head open and had to go to the ER in a foreign country to get stitched up. The night before I could feel his fear. I knew it. I had carried it.
My connection is growing stronger. It’s not just relatives I sense now. It’s friends of relatives. It’s boyfriends and people close to the people I know. It’s not just death and fear, the range is wider. I have plenty more anecdotes for you. So many that I lost count. When I finally stopped rebelling against it and started accepting myself I understood that this is not a curse, it is a blessing and a gift. When I stopped identify myself with the darkness I realised who I am. I am the polarity. I am the light. It comes to me because it has to. I am the sun and the message is the moon - that without my light isn’t visible. I shine light on it. I balance it out. If you embrace yourself, even the parts that are scary, dark and full of sorrows you’ll see that they might just be the part of you that sets you free.